Tag Archives: ramblings

[Today's posting is best read with the accompaniment of the incomparable

Ms Billy Holiday. Please press Play and then read on :) ]

.

I’m staying in today to do some writing.

With some delightful music in the background.

But here are some pictures that I took yesterday while

walking in Central Park.

It’s snowing outside and it just feels right – there’s nothing quite like

nestling a steaming cup of tea on a day like this.

I woke up today greeted by a message that someone was

thinking of me.

I replied by saying that as wonderful as New York is, it didn’t seem

as fabulous now that it was missing something.

I kind of hate that feeling – how everything is so relative.

.

The first time I came to New York, I was in love, and it kind of

overshadowed the city. I don’t blame anyone, of course,

I am just saying, that your heart (head?) does funny things to you

when you are struck.

It’s like it really does blind you – it chews on your synapses and spits

them out for sport. So much so that it can even render a great city like NY

somewhat flavourless.

That was my first.

The second time, the city hit me hard. It was like The Big Apple Cupid shot

10,000 arrows at me, and all I could think was that I had seriously taken

it for granted. I know everyone sings the song ‘The Empire State’ to me now,

but I don’t think a city anthem has ever been truer – the streets do really make

you feel brand new. Little light bulbs just continued flashing every hour that I

was here. If I was completely frank I wanted to traipse around on my own

on most days, I do actually prefer walking on my own in cities when it comes

to getting inspired (which may explain why sometimes I’d venture off on my own,

very sorry if I was a wee bit dishonest road trip buddies)

In the end, I extended the stay and then didn’t want to go home at all! I almost

didn’t – the pull was that strong.

Which leads me to this current stay, of course.

I am more than ready to really breathe it in this time – to know the streets like the

back of my hand, to really look, and to truly listen.

I spent a while staring at this man above in the park, he seemed sad.

He seemed to be alone in his deep thoughts. When he realised I had taken a picture,

he looked at me for a few seconds, and then continued just standing there.

I think he later posed for me – but not in a purposeful way.

Whatever it was, I felt a little connection to him as he looked into the vast whiteness

and the city’s evening lights beyond.

I think we’ve all felt like that before. The thing about New Yorkers is – they are

a whole lot more expressive and vocal about their feelings.

I love that side of them.

So perhaps I will take on the New Yorker persona while I am here -

my heart is out on my sleeve, and I intend to write that way.

Probably best to have a mixture of feelings – a little good, a little bad,

a little cold, a little warm, and a dozen other ones in between.

I spend evenings chatting with my dear friend Munkit now – we have

loads to talk about and reflect upon.

As the snow melts, and I do hope it does soon, I will try to not be slightly

melancholic

(oh don’t worry, just slightly!)

slightly daydreamy

that someone is not

here with me right now.

I remind myself that this NYC stay is for me, and me alone.

And that no one, no one … will take that away from me!

I am not blind this time – my eyes are wide open.

.

.

But you know what …

it’s still nice to wake up to the thought that someone is thinking

of you too.

Life’s just that little bit sweeter when you are aware of the fact.

Perhaps sometimes that’s all you need, isn’t it?

xo

8 minutes to 4.15am.

Think my eyes are playing tricks on me.

The work is, as they say, berlambak, but I bring this all on myself.

The good news is that I will finish them.

And I will leave for two wonderful cities soon.

Yes it has been in the works for a while. Will be in New York

for quite a bit, via London. That’s my wonderful piece of news.

Sorry, this is obviously not the full-on, ecstatic version I thought I’d be

writing :)

The following sentences are for several people all at once, from all over.

If you can identify yourself, sweet.

If not, *shrug*? And if you’re over sensitive .. it isn’t you.

Walking in a daze around Batu Pahat

1. Stand up for yourself woman. You’ve been too nice, strive for your own happiness.

I love you.

.

2. You don’t know how happy I am that you’re making an effort with him  that way.

You show me, truly, that habit is and will never be a reasonable excuse.

.

3. I really can’t wait to see you!

.

4. I know you’re in the throes of love, but I must warn you sweetheart – I don’t like

being lied to, please don’t do it again?

.

5. Out of all the people of the world, I still don’t like two of you, only two of you,

and probably never will. Don’t come home, thanks.

.

6. This could be it. I think I will be well and over the grey, uncertain area. It

never came up, and now this could be it – and the moment has come and gone.

Perhaps it was meant to be … but I will always treasure you.

.

7. A promise is a promise is a promise, so you will never know. I wish I didn’t

know. I wish you knew how selfish I think you are, and it makes me truly sad.

Your head has ballooned to a size which I unfortunately cannot handle.

.

8. He doesn’t love you, my sweet. I know you’ll never be fully be honest with

me about this, but please don’t waste your time my darling.

.

9. I know your secrets, and I will keep them. But it hurts me to know … because

I adore you two so very much.

.

10. Please stop trying.

.

11. Yes yes yes, I will write with you, you, you. Let’s make some magic :)

.

12. I miss and <3 you, but I can’t get over the fact that you owe me money, that

you know it, and that you act like you don’t at all.

It’s not the money, it’s the attitude.

.

13. You’re so much younger than me – and so damn smart, so damn talented, so

damn genuine – that I am in awe of you. I love the fact that you’re doing it on your

own terms, and that it’s for the love of the craft. When I am disheartened by all

your other famewhoric peers, all I have to do is think of you, and smile. I have

nothing to do with your success, but you somehow make me so proud. I wish you

would come back.

.

14. Please don’t hurt her. Again. Or you’ll be sorry.

.

15. You may think it is okay coming back into my life again, but I can assure you

it is not.

.

16. This is not a competition, girl, this is life.

.

.

And the last one is for New York

17. I am coming, I am ready, and I am opening my heart to you!

xo

.

.

p s – don’t bother asking me if it’s you.

Because sometimes, you just have to keep on repeating yourself.

Beware : really random, rambling, pointless post coming up.

One to prove I’m alive and not dying in some stress cesspit I care about

this site. Yes, I do care. I care for it like I care for fried chicken.

But like fried chicken, there must be pacing. There must be balance.

Screw this train of baloney that is going absolutely nowhere.

.

.

These past few weeks I have come across story upon interesting story of people

around me - some I know and love, some I know of and am curious about.

More and more I realise that we are all just lost souls swimming in

a fish bowl, that everybody hurts, that happiness, more or less, is just a change

in us, something in our liberties. Yesh, that’s three songs right there,

you laiks?

.

.

Sometimes I wish we were all a little more open with each other,

a little less secretive about our experiences. Especially us women.

We have so much to learn from each other, so much lessons to

glean and take comfort from.

The mistakes we make, the lies we tell ourselves, the pain … and then, inevitably..

the healing. The blossoming. The realisation.

And then the acceptance of sadness, or of bliss.

.

Oh no, this is not one of my wewomenweKILLyou posts.

I ended that para up there with the word bliss, mind you.

.

I’m in a happy place right now, albeit just a bit tired.

But I’ll tell you. I’m 31 one now, feeling neither young nor old,

neither deliriously giddy dengan kegembiraan nor in deep despair.

But it feels like it’s taken me forever to get here. Have somehow

reached a stage where I am pleased with myself because I make my own

happiness, and nobody tweaks those controls for me.

Or rather, I don’t let them anymore. It’s very liberating.

.

Around this time five years ago, I was still getting to grips with the end

of a relationship. A little shaken and directionless, my work however came through

for me, somehow leading me to Sri Lanka, Paris, Hong Kong. My instincts also took

me to Central America. Yes I travelled a lot, but I was still pretty clueless.

Around this time two years ago, I was again reeling from the end of another

relationship and was trying to figure out what I ultimately wanted to do and where

I wanted to go.  I think the men in my life played a big part in my

happiness/unhappiness control buttons. But I can’t blame them really. I let them play.

I allowed it to happen. I’m to blame, really.

[Remind me of this diplomatic tone when I'm in my next murderous, bitter moods and I'll call you a liar and
plot your death]


I confess, I guess there’s also a part of me which liked the reeling and

self torture. The blackness, the drowning.

I think if you are never lost, then you’ll never know the sweetness

and delight of knowing you are somehow finding your way.

Fast forward to now.

….

….    …….

……       ……

I still don’t know what I’m doing

most of the time HaHAAAAA.

.

.

:)

But I feel more free, lighter.

I’m in a happy place right now, albeit just a bit tired.

There are reasons for these two things.

But I can’t say just yet.

And I would like to … but ah, old habits die hard.

I say I wish we were less secretive, but who am I kidding?

.

I promise you I’ll reveal more soon enough.

I promise you, it’ll be worth it.

I promise you, it will be as pretty as pie.

xo

u should know that u make me smile..
and i thank u for it.