Just a quick one to show you what a difference
a few days make. I just showed you some pictures of a snowy Central
Park just last week.
Yesterday, here we are at Union Square. (Yes it’s in Manhattan as well!)
The Sun! With Billy & MunKit :)
Oops. Apasal kecik sangat gambar ni. Ah well.
Can you imagine that? In less than a week the weather just turned. Oh how
I love the changing of the seasons!
Everybody's chillaxing at the square
The sun’s out and so is my smile!
xo
[Today's posting is best read with the accompaniment of the incomparable
Ms Billy Holiday. Please press Play and then read on :) ]
.
I’m staying in today to do some writing.
With some delightful music in the background.
But here are some pictures that I took yesterday while
walking in Central Park.
It’s snowing outside and it just feels right – there’s nothing quite like
nestling a steaming cup of tea on a day like this.
I woke up today greeted by a message that someone was
thinking of me.
I replied by saying that as wonderful as New York is, it didn’t seem
as fabulous now that it was missing something.
I kind of hate that feeling – how everything is so relative.
.
The first time I came to New York, I was in love, and it kind of
overshadowed the city. I don’t blame anyone, of course,
I am just saying, that your heart (head?) does funny things to you
when you are struck.
It’s like it really does blind you – it chews on your synapses and spits
them out for sport. So much so that it can even render a great city like NY
somewhat flavourless.
That was my first.
The second time, the city hit me hard. It was like The Big Apple Cupid shot
10,000 arrows at me, and all I could think was that I had seriously taken
it for granted. I know everyone sings the song ‘The Empire State’ to me now,
but I don’t think a city anthem has ever been truer – the streets do really make
you feel brand new. Little light bulbs just continued flashing every hour that I
was here. If I was completely frank I wanted to traipse around on my own
on most days, I do actually prefer walking on my own in cities when it comes
to getting inspired (which may explain why sometimes I’d venture off on my own,
very sorry if I was a wee bit dishonest road trip buddies)
In the end, I extended the stay and then didn’t want to go home at all! I almost
didn’t – the pull was that strong.
Which leads me to this current stay, of course.
I am more than ready to really breathe it in this time – to know the streets like the
back of my hand, to really look, and to truly listen.
I spent a while staring at this man above in the park, he seemed sad.
He seemed to be alone in his deep thoughts. When he realised I had taken a picture,
he looked at me for a few seconds, and then continued just standing there.
I think he later posed for me – but not in a purposeful way.
Whatever it was, I felt a little connection to him as he looked into the vast whiteness
and the city’s evening lights beyond.
I think we’ve all felt like that before. The thing about New Yorkers is – they are
a whole lot more expressive and vocal about their feelings.
I love that side of them.
So perhaps I will take on the New Yorker persona while I am here -
my heart is out on my sleeve, and I intend to write that way.
Probably best to have a mixture of feelings – a little good, a little bad,
a little cold, a little warm, and a dozen other ones in between.
I spend evenings chatting with my dear friend Munkit now – we have
loads to talk about and reflect upon.
As the snow melts, and I do hope it does soon, I will try to not be slightly
melancholic
(oh don’t worry, just slightly!)
slightly daydreamy
that someone is not
here with me right now.
I remind myself that this NYC stay is for me, and me alone.
And that no one, no one … will take that away from me!
I am not blind this time – my eyes are wide open.
.
.
But you know what …
it’s still nice to wake up to the thought that someone is thinking
of you too.
Life’s just that little bit sweeter when you are aware of the fact.
Perhaps sometimes that’s all you need, isn’t it?
xo
Amazing what you find when you weren’t really looking.
Like a little rainbow, that pops out of nowhere at all,
when you’re in someone’s arms!
That was a bit mad. But extremely welcome.
.
I have arrived in NY.
It’s cold, but my heart is warm.
Am heading out in a bit.
It’s just begun.
You’ll like me in my blissful, chilled out mode, I promise.
xo
It was some kind of perfect yesterday.
In the morning
I went to get some coffee at the wonderful Borough Market
went walking by my old route,
right by the magnificent Thames …
past the Shakespeare Globe,
past the Millenium Bridge,
and went into the Tate Modern,
spent quite a lot of time going through the old and new works …
came out and continue walking,
it was so bright and sunny and lovely..
went for lunch at a restaurant called Skylon, a nice lil surprise..
And then headed to the Victoria & Albert museum …
spent quite some time inside as well,
popped into the Natural History Museum, because I had not visited it ever …
and then walked along the embankment,
watched the sun going down along the river,
with chai tea latte in hand.
the evening then turned into a mad, lovely night – filled with
drinks, dancing and good friends.
.
it was some kind of wonderful
because everything was done with the company of
someone kind of sweet.
.
And I didn’t even have to plan anything, it was all go with the flow.
If you cannot already tell …
I am smiling.
.
8 minutes to 4.15am.
Think my eyes are playing tricks on me.
The work is, as they say, berlambak, but I bring this all on myself.
The good news is that I will finish them.
And I will leave for two wonderful cities soon.
Yes it has been in the works for a while. Will be in New York
for quite a bit, via London. That’s my wonderful piece of news.
Sorry, this is obviously not the full-on, ecstatic version I thought I’d be
writing :)
The following sentences are for several people all at once, from all over.
If you can identify yourself, sweet.
If not, *shrug*? And if you’re over sensitive .. it isn’t you.
Walking in a daze around Batu Pahat
1. Stand up for yourself woman. You’ve been too nice, strive for your own happiness.
I love you.
.
2. You don’t know how happy I am that you’re making an effort with him that way.
You show me, truly, that habit is and will never be a reasonable excuse.
.
3. I really can’t wait to see you!
.
4. I know you’re in the throes of love, but I must warn you sweetheart – I don’t like
being lied to, please don’t do it again?
.
5. Out of all the people of the world, I still don’t like two of you, only two of you,
and probably never will. Don’t come home, thanks.
.
6. This could be it. I think I will be well and over the grey, uncertain area. It
never came up, and now this could be it – and the moment has come and gone.
Perhaps it was meant to be … but I will always treasure you.
.
7. A promise is a promise is a promise, so you will never know. I wish I didn’t
know. I wish you knew how selfish I think you are, and it makes me truly sad.
Your head has ballooned to a size which I unfortunately cannot handle.
.
8. He doesn’t love you, my sweet. I know you’ll never be fully be honest with
me about this, but please don’t waste your time my darling.
.
9. I know your secrets, and I will keep them. But it hurts me to know … because
I adore you two so very much.
.
10. Please stop trying.
.
11. Yes yes yes, I will write with you, you, you. Let’s make some magic :)
.
12. I miss and <3 you, but I can’t get over the fact that you owe me money, that
you know it, and that you act like you don’t at all.
It’s not the money, it’s the attitude.
.
13. You’re so much younger than me – and so damn smart, so damn talented, so
damn genuine – that I am in awe of you. I love the fact that you’re doing it on your
own terms, and that it’s for the love of the craft. When I am disheartened by all
your other famewhoric peers, all I have to do is think of you, and smile. I have
nothing to do with your success, but you somehow make me so proud. I wish you
would come back.
.
14. Please don’t hurt her. Again. Or you’ll be sorry.
.
15. You may think it is okay coming back into my life again, but I can assure you
it is not.
.
16. This is not a competition, girl, this is life.
.
.
And the last one is for New York …
17. I am coming, I am ready, and I am opening my heart to you!
xo
.
.
p s – don’t bother asking me if it’s you.
Because sometimes, you just have to keep on repeating yourself.
Beware : really random, rambling, pointless post coming up.
One to prove I’m alive and not dying in some stress cesspit I care about
this site. Yes, I do care. I care for it like I care for fried chicken.
But like fried chicken, there must be pacing. There must be balance.
Screw this train of baloney that is going absolutely nowhere.
.
.
These past few weeks I have come across story upon interesting story of people
around me - some I know and love, some I know of and am curious about.
More and more I realise that we are all just lost souls swimming in
a fish bowl, that everybody hurts, that happiness, more or less, is just a change
in us, something in our liberties. Yesh, that’s three songs right there,
you laiks?
.
.
Sometimes I wish we were all a little more open with each other,
a little less secretive about our experiences. Especially us women.
We have so much to learn from each other, so much lessons to
glean and take comfort from.
The mistakes we make, the lies we tell ourselves, the pain … and then, inevitably..
the healing. The blossoming. The realisation.
And then the acceptance of sadness, or of bliss.
.
Oh no, this is not one of my wewomenweKILLyou posts.
I ended that para up there with the word bliss, mind you.
.
I’m in a happy place right now, albeit just a bit tired.
But I’ll tell you. I’m 31 one now, feeling neither young nor old,
neither deliriously giddy dengan kegembiraan nor in deep despair.
But it feels like it’s taken me forever to get here. Have somehow
reached a stage where I am pleased with myself because I make my own
happiness, and nobody tweaks those controls for me.
Or rather, I don’t let them anymore. It’s very liberating.
.
Around this time five years ago, I was still getting to grips with the end
of a relationship. A little shaken and directionless, my work however came through
for me, somehow leading me to Sri Lanka, Paris, Hong Kong. My instincts also took
me to Central America. Yes I travelled a lot, but I was still pretty clueless.
Around this time two years ago, I was again reeling from the end of another
relationship and was trying to figure out what I ultimately wanted to do and where
I wanted to go. I think the men in my life played a big part in my
happiness/unhappiness control buttons. But I can’t blame them really. I let them play.
I allowed it to happen. I’m to blame, really.
I confess, I guess there’s also a part of me which liked the reeling and
self torture. The blackness, the drowning.
I think if you are never lost, then you’ll never know the sweetness
and delight of knowing you are somehow finding your way.
Fast forward to now.
….
…. …….
…… ……
.
.
:)
But I feel more free, lighter.
I’m in a happy place right now, albeit just a bit tired.
There are reasons for these two things.
But I can’t say just yet.
And I would like to … but ah, old habits die hard.
I say I wish we were less secretive, but who am I kidding?
.
I promise you I’ll reveal more soon enough.
I promise you, it’ll be worth it.
I promise you, it will be as pretty as pie.
xo
u should know that u make me smile..
and i thank u for it.
On Fame.
.
The time of getting fame for your name on its own is over. Artwork that is only about wanting to be famous will never make you famous. Any fame is a by-product of making something that means something. You don’t go to a restaurant and order a meal because you want to have a shit.
- Banksy
This is why I love Banksy, and continue admiring his work. Regardless of whether
people think he is outdated or mainstream (NONSENSE!), I’ve always thought he gets it.
The quote above is from a book of his wall and pieces, which Lefty gave me as a
present back in London, but I’m quite sure the saying has been graffiti-ed somewhere
before or something.
.
I love the quote because I think it speaks a lot about fame,
even in this country. How some people seem to just want to be famous for
fame’s sake. But why? Why would you want to do that?
What drives you?
You know you’ll be found out anyway right?
xo
By Oriah Mountain Dreamer
.
It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for,
And if you dare to dream of meeting
Your heart’s longing.
It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
For love, for your dream,
For the adventure of being alive.
It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon.
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow,
If you have been opened by life’s betrayals,
Or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain,
Mine or your own,
Without moving
To hide it or fade it or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy,
Mine or your own,
If you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
Without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic,
or to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself,
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
I want to know if you can be faithless and therefore be trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty
Even when it is not pretty every day,
And if you can source your life
From its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure,
Yours and mine,
And still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes!”
It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair,
Weary and bruised to the bone,
And do what needs to be done for the children.
It doesn’t interest me who you are, how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
In the center of the fire with me
And not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
From the inside
When all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone
With yourself,
And if you truly like the company you keep
In the empty moments.
