Est modus in rebus

Beware : really random, rambling, pointless post coming up.

One to prove I’m alive and not dying in some stress cesspit I care about

this site. Yes, I do care. I care for it like I care for fried chicken.

But like fried chicken, there must be pacing. There must be balance.

Screw this train of baloney that is going absolutely nowhere.

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These past few weeks I have come across story upon interesting story of people

around me - some I know and love, some I know of and am curious about.

More and more I realise that we are all just lost souls swimming in

a fish bowl, that everybody hurts, that happiness, more or less, is just a change

in us, something in our liberties. Yesh, that’s three songs right there,

you laiks?

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Sometimes I wish we were all a little more open with each other,

a little less secretive about our experiences. Especially us women.

We have so much to learn from each other, so much lessons to

glean and take comfort from.

The mistakes we make, the lies we tell ourselves, the pain … and then, inevitably..

the healing. The blossoming. The realisation.

And then the acceptance of sadness, or of bliss.

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Oh no, this is not one of my wewomenweKILLyou posts.

I ended that para up there with the word bliss, mind you.

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I’m in a happy place right now, albeit just a bit tired.

But I’ll tell you. I’m 31 one now, feeling neither young nor old,

neither deliriously giddy dengan kegembiraan nor in deep despair.

But it feels like it’s taken me forever to get here. Have somehow

reached a stage where I am pleased with myself because I make my own

happiness, and nobody tweaks those controls for me.

Or rather, I don’t let them anymore. It’s very liberating.

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Around this time five years ago, I was still getting to grips with the end

of a relationship. A little shaken and directionless, my work however came through

for me, somehow leading me to Sri Lanka, Paris, Hong Kong. My instincts also took

me to Central America. Yes I travelled a lot, but I was still pretty clueless.

Around this time two years ago, I was again reeling from the end of another

relationship and was trying to figure out what I ultimately wanted to do and where

I wanted to go.  I think the men in my life played a big part in my

happiness/unhappiness control buttons. But I can’t blame them really. I let them play.

I allowed it to happen. I’m to blame, really.

[Remind me of this diplomatic tone when I'm in my next murderous, bitter moods and I'll call you a liar and

plot your death]

I confess, I guess there’s also a part of me which liked the reeling and

self torture. The blackness, the drowning.

I think if you are never lost, then you’ll never know the sweetness

and delight of knowing you are somehow finding your way.

Fast forward to now.

….

….    …….

……       ……

I still don’t know what I’m doing

most of the time HaHAAAAA.

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:)

But I feel more free, lighter.

I’m in a happy place right now, albeit just a bit tired.

There are reasons for these two things.

But I can’t say just yet.

And I would like to … but ah, old habits die hard.

I say I wish we were less secretive, but who am I kidding?

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I promise you I’ll reveal more soon enough.

I promise you, it’ll be worth it.

I promise you, it will be as pretty as pie.

xo